Wednesday, August 20, 2008

The Top 10 Most Tasteless Cakes

10. The Silk-Screened Steve Irwin Birthday Cake. Poor little Bindi. The little whippersnappin’ kid star celebrated her 10th birthday yesterday at the Australia Zoo, and what better way to have a real blast than to eat a slice of cake bearing your dead father’s likeness. Her mother’s thumbs up is just the icing on the… well you get the idea! And because I am a tasteful lady, I won’t even mention the joke my coworker made about using a sting-ray tail to slice it… Uh oh.

9. It’s Just a Cold Sore! We hope it wasn’t lemon cake. Also, what are the odds the person baking this cake has crabs? Cold sores are a walk in the homeless masturbating park!

8. The Bride-Shaped Wedding Cake. I can point out that a. the cake looks like Tracey Morgan in drag; and b. this is the most fantastic/scariest thing I, personally, have ever laid eyes on. The only comfort I can take in this is that it looks like the groom is thinking the same thing. I wonder how these two are doing…

7. The Break-Dancing Goat Cake. This Break-Dancing Goat Cake would be cute, almost hysterical, if it wasn’t for one very important, terrifying detail: This goat bears a striking resemblance to Adolph Hitler. But if you know Hitler like my Grandparents knew him, the man would most certainly have hated Jersey. However, the yellow eyes and dark muh-stache are DEAD on.

6. The Giant Dump Cake. This one is actually kind of cute!!! I sort of want to be friends with this giant dump. I bet it would love The Dark Knight. And taste delicious! Note: This cake is totally high right now.

5. Congrats On Your New Implants! Cake. Do you know how difficult it is to convey “dead in the eyes” with icing? Also, according to the icing comforter, the demons from Ghost are about to take that lil’ ladies life aaaany second now.

4. The Cat-Litter Cake. “Happy Birthday!! Here’s a tray full of cat-sh*t. I mean — chocolate pudding. No, no, don’t use the knife! I got a special cake cutter at Petco!!!

3. Marzipan Lady Delivery Marzipan Baby Cake. Good luck squeezing that alien out of your vag, Olivia!!! Is your Dad around? He should cut the first piece. (Note: Cake much creepier without the thoughtful private part blockage.)

2. Two Girls, One Cake. No comment.

1. The “You’re Adopted!” Surprise.